The Meaning of Compassion... or Why I Support ObamaCare

The day after the election last year, I came into work elated. Obama had been re-elected! Same sex marriage was legalized in Maine! I felt proud of the state of Maine, and proud of the citizens of the U.S. for voting for compassion rather than individual gain. That morning, a coworker told me in a whisper, "I cried this morning when I heard the results." I thought she was talking about her husband who has been having tests on his brain because of recurrent headaches, so I said "What happened??" She said "I am so upset that Obama was re-elected..." and proceeded to describe Obama as a liar, and that Mitt Romney is "a truly wonderful person." I was completely thrown off. This is a person I have tremendous respect for both personally and professionally. She is an extremely savvy businesswoman and she is pretty much the kindest person I know. To hear her saying these things about Obama, was simply heartbreaking.

She believes that her opinion is balanced and based in truth because she watches all news media regardless of political orientation. I responded "I don't watch any of the news channels. I think they are all spin, even The Daily Show," (which I love). She went on to say that she wishes people were "more informed," i.e. that they watched supposedly all of the news channels and... I don't know, believed everything they heard? I guess I'm still not clear on that. My response... well first I need to give some backstory since I haven't written here in a long time.

My husband and I have been seeing a wonderful therapist since late July, and it has made a hugely positive impact on both our marriage and my sense of self. I have been working on putting the past behind me (where it belongs), debating with my fear reactions, and letting the real me out to play. The conversation I had with my coworker is a good example of me talking back to "the old contract." The old contract was set in place for a reason, and helped me survive difficult times, but it is no longer appropriate. It's time for a new contract. It has been AMAZING to find within myself the strength to change, and forgiveness for myself for my mistakes both past, present, and future.

Anyhoo. In response to her saying she was so upset about Obama, I said "I think it's great! I'm thrilled!" in a loud voice, no fear of who in the office might hear me and think otherwise, etc. And in response to her comment about being informed, I said "I am very informed. I just don't watch all the spin out there. I don't believe any of it. I trust my gut." To some this may not sound like a big deal, but for me it was HUGE. I rarely, if ever, speak my mind to people I look up to, particularly if I know in advance they don't agree with me. I found it was instinctual for me to say how I felt. I had always assumed it was my instinct that was saying "don't say that!" and then I would go ahead and say it and feel guilty. But I realized that there is a difference between dissonance (emotional discomfort) and instincts saying don't do that. It can definitely be uncomfortable to disagree with someone you care for and respect, but that doesn't mean you should stifle yourself. I can't report that I felt completely awesome after the conversation, but I am immensely proud of myself for the way I handled it, even though I was caught off guard.

Back to the health care reforms. Yes, the way we do business in this country will be impacted. Yes, some businesses will suffer. BUT the idea is that this will be for the greater good, over the long term.Change is not comfortable, no matter how much we want to believe it is.

As my boss has been saying frequently lately, we can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. Same is true for this country. We can't keep paying lip service to the concept of community, all the while operating selfishly, looking only at our own needs and goals. To survive as a species, we must think of others ahead of, or at least equal to, ourselves. Many many of us are barely getting by paycheck to paycheck. When we grab what we have and hold it so tight, and guard it viciously, we close ourselves off to community and compassion. We lose sight of what matters.

To me ObamaCare is a step in the right direction towards a compassionate community in this country. No one truly knows how this bill will impact our economy. If we look at it negatively and think it means "the end of our country" then that is what will happen for us. If we look at it as a positive, though difficult, change, we see that it can be what we make of it. Like anything worth it in this life, it isn't easy. It isn't easy for businesses to plan for how they will pay for health insurance for their employees. Some are taking the easy way out by laying people off, cutting hours, and in general, reacting out of fear. Others (which we don't hear about of course) are being proactive and positive, looking at this legislation as a means to a healthier and more productive workforce. Whether we like it or not, whether we agree with it or not, it's happening. Let's spin it, and raise it up. Let's create fairness and ethical responsibility in our businesses so that all people regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation, or income, have equal access to the basic human right of health care. Let's make it our new contract.

Upper-Lower Class

This one has been rolling around in my brain for awhile now. On the internets all I can find is something about white trash... which is not quite what I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of people like me, who on the outside might appear to be middle class but if you looked at my actual income/expenses/debt you would think otherwise. I'm not below poverty level, but hovering above it.

I don't mean to offend anyone but here I go anyways.

I think a lot of the mommy bloggers here on the web are if not wealthy then at least middle class. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think that the perspective of those with limited or low income is not very well represented in this sphere. When I read discussions of many issues that new moms and moms in general have, they are often skewed in the general direction of money is not an object. I guess the presumption here (which can be true, don't get me wrong) is that people who don't have much money/low income are consumed with thinking about meeting their basic needs and don't have the time/energy/resources to think about broader social issues. Like a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs type thingie.

"Baby should sleep in his/her own room, in his/her own bed." Do we see the expectation here? What if you live in a 1-bedroom (like we did until our son was about 6 months old)? What if you can't afford to drop $100 or $200 for a nice, safe crib?

Honestly I don't know how we would have gotten by if we'd had to buy formula. Luckily I was able to breastfeed and fulfill my son's needs that way for quite a while (also he was late with starting to really eat solids). Breastfeeding is free (except for the EXTRA gobs of food you need to eat in order to avoid growly belly at 3am after your child has been nursing every hour since you both went to bed at 9pm and dinner was early at 6pm... but I digress)

There are many who probably judge me thinking, well if you couldn't afford to take care of yourself, then you went ahead and had a kid, whose fault is that? I'm not blaming anyone. I don't think it's right however to say that unless you are middle class and financially "comfortable" that you are not allowed to have children!

I don't necessarily feel comfortable representing any type of class or population of people. But I also feel like my situation does not fit in either lower or middle class. My and my husband's annual gross income might put us into the middle class, but when you subtract out all of our expenses and our debt, and if you take out taxes (which you should when you're analyzing cost of living/applications for assistance, etc. You never see your gross income, you see your net, that is your REAL income, the actual money that you get in your bank account that you can spend) then we're looking not so great. Like "how exactly are these people getting by?" Which we are, but barely.

I'm sure I have more to say on this subject but my break is over so back to the grind.

Times they are a'changin

It's been a long time since I've posted... that's what happens sometimes at this time of year. We get through the holidays then there's a lull in brain activity :)

I've been considering changing careers. Not that I really have a career at the moment per se, but I'd like to have one someday when I grow up. I'm turning 35 in two months, not quite ready for that. I finally feel like I can emotionally handle using my degree (B.A. in Psychology 1999). I was all set to go to graduate school, get my Psy.D. and work with teenagers, but it turned out I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I am like a feeling sponge, I absorb all the negative energy around me. But I think becoming a parent has made me more resilient (after everything I went through during my pregnancy and postpartum); I feel much stronger now than I have in my entire life. Also the Zoloft has helped me quite a bit.

Things that are pissing me off lately:

1. TAXES
It is complete bullshit that we are not eligible for the Earned Income Credit. I know there have to be cut-offs but Jesus H we are barely getting by, a couple thousand or even just one thousand would make a HUGE difference for us. Oh well, no use banging my head against the wall over something I can't control.

2. THIEVING DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS
I haven't talked about it on here but our downstairs neighbors were breaking into our apartment and stealing shit for awhile (we don't even know how long). It's a long sad story that I won't go into detail about. But basically because we have to wait for a conviction, the bastard has been in and out of jail twice because of this, and is still living right downstairs from us. We have to see him out in the parking lot, etc. I understand due process and whatnot, but it SUCKS nonetheless to live right above people you know for a fact were breaking into your home.

3. NEVER ENOUGH MONEY, UNEMPLOYMENT, ETC.
My husband has a seasonal position so has been collecting partial unemployment this winter. He has also kept his part-time job at a store where he fills in when they have call-outs. He makes so little doing that- what is the point for him to even try to find a full-time position when you can make the same amount of money just collecting unemployment?! We have too many bills and we can't afford them all. And there's nothing I can do about it- can't get rid of any of the bills (unless we pay them off... HAHA very funny).

4. MY BEST FRIEND IS MOVING TO ALASKA FOR 3 YEARS
Her husband is in the Coast Guard and just found out he has to report for duty in Alaska in June. SUCKFEST.

5. MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO CIO AND I DON'T
This one's a toughie. He's supportive of co-sleeping, etc. but sometimes gets sick of hearing me say I'm tired and says well it's your own fault you won't put him in the crib and let him CIO. I just can't do it.

6. THE PRESIDENT OF MY COMPANY NAMED HER SON WITH THE SAME FIRST NAME AS MY SON
This happened at the end of December. When my coworkers told me I thought it was a joke, but they weren't kidding. WTF?!

Oh gosh I was going to make this a positive post but it hasn't turned out that way at all! Sorry :( I'll do better next time, just having a crappy day/week/month.

Being grateful/A Christmas Miracle

Ok I wasn't going to write about this because... I'm extremely embarassed and ashamed about it. But I want to share with the world that I'm grateful.

A week ago we went to a friend's house for a holiday party. We left around 9:30 pm to go home. I thought there was going to be some dinner-type food there, but it was chips and cookies- there were some very spicy wings that I tried to eat but could only have a few. I also partook of some wine. I was driving because my hubbie had a couple mixed drinks and was definitely buzzed. I had only had about 1.5 drinks over a 3 hour period... but I hadn't really had dinner. I'm currently nursing so I get super hungry. I also didn't drink enough water.

About 30 seconds from our apartment we got pulled over by a state trooper. More backstory: we have two vehicles that we pay quite a bit on (I have horrible credit), my hubbie has been underemployed (he works seasonally at a restaurant) and we've been waiting forever to get partial unemployment money from the state, basically our debt:income ratio is BAD. Needless to say the truck registration and inspection expired in September and we hadn't yet been able to get it done. Also, I left my wallet at our apartment accidentally. AND the insurance card had expired on the 10th (our insurance is still active, just hadn't printed out the new cards yet). I WAS TERRIFIED. The officer asked my hubbie to get out and talk to him. He asked him if I had been drinking and my hubbie said no (knee-jerk reaction). Basically he told us that he was going to let us go since our apartment was a few feet away, that we shouldn't drive the truck until all was taken care of. But then he asked me to step out of the vehicle. It was surreal. I didn't know what was going to happen. He asked me how much I had drank. I told him. He shown a bright light in my eyes and told me to follow the tip of his finger, back and forth, back and forth. He did it twice. He told me that he was "this close" to arresting me. I almost started to cry but didn't want to seem manipulative. I don't know why I barely passed the test he was giving me- I was soo unbelievably nervous, quite tired, shaking like a leaf, but he said none of those things have an impact on the test. I was seriously scared at this point. He let us go. He asked if my little one is our only child (he was asleep in his carseat, had fallen asleep almost immediately as we headed home). I said yes. He said we needed to make better decisions.

When we got home I cried a lot. I was so ashamed. My husband tried to give me perspective. He said, it could have been SOOO much worse. I could have been arrested. The cop could have given us a huge ticket that we would not be able to pay. Instead we got off with a warning.

Honestly I was not drunk nor did I even feel buzzed, but apparently I was impaired enough that I shouldn't have driven. I didn't think that amount of alcohol would really have an impact. I am 34 years old, I should know better.

As much as it was a horrible experience, it was also an important one. Sometimes we need to be reminded of all we do have, even when things are really really bad financially. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be careful, and not take things for granted.

That Monday we were able to get the car registered and inspected. I printed out new insurance cards. I plan to write a letter to the cop to thank him for giving us the benefit of the doubt. Someone or something out there is looking out for us. I am grateful.

Comic relief

I just have to laugh at life because sometimes it sucks. We're broke, no matter what we do. So I have to laugh, and can't stop laughing at this:

Ugh. Anyone have any money they can spare? Ha ha ha.

Daily Miracles

You know those cliches about how things always work out the way they're supposed to, and everything happens for a reason? Well, they're true. The universe has yet again shown me some tough love, then some spectacular rewards. A close friend had her baby, a healthy baby girl, on Monday night. Hubbie has been *despising* his job for many, many reasons (underpaid, overworked, scapegoated, bad-mouthed, mistreated, taken advantage of). One of his friends came by awhile back and hubbie'd had a particularly bad day at work so he was venting. Friend says, hey, I know you're a great cook, why don't you come do some shifts at the awesome restaurant I work at? So hubbie does just that, and that extra bit of money coming in hasn't hurt either. Then last night, hubbie says to me, we need to talk. I'm like, uh-oh. BUT it's great news- the friend gave his notice at the restaurant (he is the head chef) and the owners love my hubbie so they've offered him the position. Drawback is that it's only seasonal, will end sometime in October. Benefit = TWICE AS MUCH MONEY AS CURRENT JOB for same amount of hours. OMG. After struggling for a year and half (we were both unemployed for a stretch at the end of 2009, which set us WAY back on bills, etc.) we can FINALLY (hopefully) catch up on bills and even (*gasp*) put some money aside! Hubbie can look for work in September and October, find something halfway decent, get unemployment if job ends before he finds something. AND big bonus is our kid won't need to go to daycare anymore. Hubbie will be with him all day until around 2:30 when my MIL will watch him until I get out of work. Hubbie will work 2:30-10ish 6 nights a week and have one full day off, most likely Sundays, which will rock.

Life is CRAZY. I get so down sometimes, worrying, feeling trapped, like things will never get better. And then one day I wake up and they get better. I know that this isn't some miracle cure or fix, but it's definitely a boon, both for us financially and for my hubbie's self esteem. The owners of this restaurant think he's pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread, and it's true, and he really needs to hear it.

We have 2 weddings to go to in August which I'm very excited about. My favorite aunt (who is also my godmother) will finally be meeting my son in a week or so. Things are going great. Now to just get rid of that other feeling that's always there, the "it won't last, don't get too happy!" GAD I hate that little voice in my ear.