Times they are a'changin

It's been a long time since I've posted... that's what happens sometimes at this time of year. We get through the holidays then there's a lull in brain activity :)

I've been considering changing careers. Not that I really have a career at the moment per se, but I'd like to have one someday when I grow up. I'm turning 35 in two months, not quite ready for that. I finally feel like I can emotionally handle using my degree (B.A. in Psychology 1999). I was all set to go to graduate school, get my Psy.D. and work with teenagers, but it turned out I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I am like a feeling sponge, I absorb all the negative energy around me. But I think becoming a parent has made me more resilient (after everything I went through during my pregnancy and postpartum); I feel much stronger now than I have in my entire life. Also the Zoloft has helped me quite a bit.

Things that are pissing me off lately:

1. TAXES
It is complete bullshit that we are not eligible for the Earned Income Credit. I know there have to be cut-offs but Jesus H we are barely getting by, a couple thousand or even just one thousand would make a HUGE difference for us. Oh well, no use banging my head against the wall over something I can't control.

2. THIEVING DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS
I haven't talked about it on here but our downstairs neighbors were breaking into our apartment and stealing shit for awhile (we don't even know how long). It's a long sad story that I won't go into detail about. But basically because we have to wait for a conviction, the bastard has been in and out of jail twice because of this, and is still living right downstairs from us. We have to see him out in the parking lot, etc. I understand due process and whatnot, but it SUCKS nonetheless to live right above people you know for a fact were breaking into your home.

3. NEVER ENOUGH MONEY, UNEMPLOYMENT, ETC.
My husband has a seasonal position so has been collecting partial unemployment this winter. He has also kept his part-time job at a store where he fills in when they have call-outs. He makes so little doing that- what is the point for him to even try to find a full-time position when you can make the same amount of money just collecting unemployment?! We have too many bills and we can't afford them all. And there's nothing I can do about it- can't get rid of any of the bills (unless we pay them off... HAHA very funny).

4. MY BEST FRIEND IS MOVING TO ALASKA FOR 3 YEARS
Her husband is in the Coast Guard and just found out he has to report for duty in Alaska in June. SUCKFEST.

5. MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO CIO AND I DON'T
This one's a toughie. He's supportive of co-sleeping, etc. but sometimes gets sick of hearing me say I'm tired and says well it's your own fault you won't put him in the crib and let him CIO. I just can't do it.

6. THE PRESIDENT OF MY COMPANY NAMED HER SON WITH THE SAME FIRST NAME AS MY SON
This happened at the end of December. When my coworkers told me I thought it was a joke, but they weren't kidding. WTF?!

Oh gosh I was going to make this a positive post but it hasn't turned out that way at all! Sorry :( I'll do better next time, just having a crappy day/week/month.

P.S. Happy Holidays!

Being grateful/A Christmas Miracle

Ok I wasn't going to write about this because... I'm extremely embarassed and ashamed about it. But I want to share with the world that I'm grateful.

A week ago we went to a friend's house for a holiday party. We left around 9:30 pm to go home. I thought there was going to be some dinner-type food there, but it was chips and cookies- there were some very spicy wings that I tried to eat but could only have a few. I also partook of some wine. I was driving because my hubbie had a couple mixed drinks and was definitely buzzed. I had only had about 1.5 drinks over a 3 hour period... but I hadn't really had dinner. I'm currently nursing so I get super hungry. I also didn't drink enough water.

About 30 seconds from our apartment we got pulled over by a state trooper. More backstory: we have two vehicles that we pay quite a bit on (I have horrible credit), my hubbie has been underemployed (he works seasonally at a restaurant) and we've been waiting forever to get partial unemployment money from the state, basically our debt:income ratio is BAD. Needless to say the truck registration and inspection expired in September and we hadn't yet been able to get it done. Also, I left my wallet at our apartment accidentally. AND the insurance card had expired on the 10th (our insurance is still active, just hadn't printed out the new cards yet). I WAS TERRIFIED. The officer asked my hubbie to get out and talk to him. He asked him if I had been drinking and my hubbie said no (knee-jerk reaction). Basically he told us that he was going to let us go since our apartment was a few feet away, that we shouldn't drive the truck until all was taken care of. But then he asked me to step out of the vehicle. It was surreal. I didn't know what was going to happen. He asked me how much I had drank. I told him. He shown a bright light in my eyes and told me to follow the tip of his finger, back and forth, back and forth. He did it twice. He told me that he was "this close" to arresting me. I almost started to cry but didn't want to seem manipulative. I don't know why I barely passed the test he was giving me- I was soo unbelievably nervous, quite tired, shaking like a leaf, but he said none of those things have an impact on the test. I was seriously scared at this point. He let us go. He asked if my little one is our only child (he was asleep in his carseat, had fallen asleep almost immediately as we headed home). I said yes. He said we needed to make better decisions.

When we got home I cried a lot. I was so ashamed. My husband tried to give me perspective. He said, it could have been SOOO much worse. I could have been arrested. The cop could have given us a huge ticket that we would not be able to pay. Instead we got off with a warning.

Honestly I was not drunk nor did I even feel buzzed, but apparently I was impaired enough that I shouldn't have driven. I didn't think that amount of alcohol would really have an impact. I am 34 years old, I should know better.

As much as it was a horrible experience, it was also an important one. Sometimes we need to be reminded of all we do have, even when things are really really bad financially. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be careful, and not take things for granted.

That Monday we were able to get the car registered and inspected. I printed out new insurance cards. I plan to write a letter to the cop to thank him for giving us the benefit of the doubt. Someone or something out there is looking out for us. I am grateful.

20 Albums that Have Influenced My Life

Meme instructions: Think of the albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. Not your favorite albums now: the ones that sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. Albums you wore into the ground.

10,000 Maniacs  Our Time in Eden
Summer after my grueling junior year of college

Alanis Morrisette  Jagged Little Pill
Christmas gift, listened to on my walkman over and over during long holiday car rides

Annie Lennox  Diva
Reminds me of my dad; fantastic album

Bjork  Vespertine
Romantical, deep, intense, *love Bjork*

Coldplay  A Rush of Blood to the Head
Waiting tables at TGI Fridays

Counting Crows  August and Everything After
The Cranberries  Everybody Else is Doing It...
Late high school angst

The Cure  Disintegration
Great album to set the mood, if you know what I mean

Dave Matthews Band  Under the Table and Dreaming
College days....

Death Cab for Cutie  Transatlanticism
Recent discovery (thanks to my awesome cuz AJ)

Enya  Shepherd Moons
Late high school, I have listened to this album thousands of times, when I feel anxious, sad, etc. I find it incredibly soothing.

Indigo Girls  Rites of Passage
Sophomore year of college; I discovered feminism!

Keane  Hopes and Fears
Keane is AMAZING

Liz Phair  Liz Phair
Co-worker burned this for me, love it

NKOTB  Step by Step
This goes out to you Dickey Bean!

Sarah McLachlan  Fumbling Towards Ecstasy & Surfacing
High school unrequited romances & college heartbreaks

Tori Amos  Under the Pink & From the Choirgirl Hotel
Lonely days post-college; Tori totally gets me

U2  Achtung Baby
Favorite album from my favorite band of all time

I'm still a feminist

I became a feminist in college, officially. Before that I think I was always a crusader for the underdog, be it the environment, the war, or unfair discrimination (anyone remember when high schools were banning the "Co-Ed Naked" t-shirt series???). I remember discovering this whole wonderful world of feminist thinking, of acceptance and open-ness, of human rights and freedom. It was a fantastic and exciting honeymoon period. Then came the doubts, the judgment, the pressure to conform, even within a radical feminist framework. I've come to believe that regardless of what label you put on an -ism, it is inherently exclusive, simply by nature. Human nature. I felt like in order to consider myself a radical feminist, I had to date only radical feminists, which was difficult since I'm hetero and there was only 1 male member in the Women's Center and I just wasn't attracted to him. I felt like I had to wear certain clothes, have a certain job, buy certain things. In times like this, though I agree that we should protest things like unfair wages, environmental destruction, etc., it requires MONEY to be able to stop buying things at a place like Walmart. I buy things at Walmart. We aren't below the poverty line but we are hovering just above it. We have 2 car payments; I have outrageous student loans from my illustrious college days; rent, electric, phone, internet, car insurance, gas, FOOD, diapers, the list goes on and on.

I'm still a feminist

I am in a somewhat traditional marriage, where I do a lot of the housework and because I'm nursing, I tend to be the go-to-gal for our son. I work outside the home in an office.

I'm still a feminist

I associate with people who have traditional and right-wing opinions. Some of my relatives are pro-life and anti-gay rights. Some of the people I know have no idea how left-leaning I really am.

I'm still a feminist

I have become more middle of the road regarding many things, in that we can never know why someone does what they do because we can never walk in their shoes. It is very destructive to pass judgment regarding situations and events that we have never experienced or been involved in. I am a firm believer in equality for all, as much as possible. I believe in the rights of all to marry. I believe in equal health rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation, wealth, etc.

I'm still a feminist

I don't go to protests. I don't donate to organizations. I don't watch the news. In all honesty, I try to avoid controversial subjects, things that make me sad, etc. because I feel it all so intensely and also feel helpless.

I'm still a feminist

I am tired of people being divisive, judging each other, and giving unsolicited advice. Since I've become a parent, I've heard all range of advice about how to raise our child. We co-sleep and have since my son was 2 weeks old. My husband sleeps on the couch. It sucks but it's the only way we get sleep. I'm still nursing my son and he's just over a year old. Most of the people I know have raised their children in a traditional way, sleep training, weaning at 6 months if they breast-fed at all, and so on. I'm not passing judgment about it, just wish that I knew more people who did/are doing what we're doing.

I'm still a feminist

Just want to make that clear.

My son turns 1 today!

On an entirely separate note, my son is 1 today (at 1:29 PM). YAY! Here's a great picture of him truly enjoying his ice cream cake:

Now that's the way to do it kiddo! Love you forever little boy. Forever and always.

Comic relief

I just have to laugh at life because sometimes it sucks. We're broke, no matter what we do. So I have to laugh, and can't stop laughing at this:

Ugh. Anyone have any money they can spare? Ha ha ha.