This one has been rolling around in my brain for awhile now. On the internets all I can find is something about white trash... which is not quite what I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of people like me, who on the outside might appear to be middle class but if you looked at my actual income/expenses/debt you would think otherwise. I'm not below poverty level, but hovering above it.
I don't mean to offend anyone but here I go anyways.
I think a lot of the mommy bloggers here on the web are if not wealthy then at least middle class. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think that the perspective of those with limited or low income is not very well represented in this sphere. When I read discussions of many issues that new moms and moms in general have, they are often skewed in the general direction of money is not an object. I guess the presumption here (which can be true, don't get me wrong) is that people who don't have much money/low income are consumed with thinking about meeting their basic needs and don't have the time/energy/resources to think about broader social issues. Like a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs type thingie.
"Baby should sleep in his/her own room, in his/her own bed." Do we see the expectation here? What if you live in a 1-bedroom (like we did until our son was about 6 months old)? What if you can't afford to drop $100 or $200 for a nice, safe crib?
Honestly I don't know how we would have gotten by if we'd had to buy formula. Luckily I was able to breastfeed and fulfill my son's needs that way for quite a while (also he was late with starting to really eat solids). Breastfeeding is free (except for the EXTRA gobs of food you need to eat in order to avoid growly belly at 3am after your child has been nursing every hour since you both went to bed at 9pm and dinner was early at 6pm... but I digress)
There are many who probably judge me thinking, well if you couldn't afford to take care of yourself, then you went ahead and had a kid, whose fault is that? I'm not blaming anyone. I don't think it's right however to say that unless you are middle class and financially "comfortable" that you are not allowed to have children!
I don't necessarily feel comfortable representing any type of class or population of people. But I also feel like my situation does not fit in either lower or middle class. My and my husband's annual gross income might put us into the middle class, but when you subtract out all of our expenses and our debt, and if you take out taxes (which you should when you're analyzing cost of living/applications for assistance, etc. You never see your gross income, you see your net, that is your REAL income, the actual money that you get in your bank account that you can spend) then we're looking not so great. Like "how exactly are these people getting by?" Which we are, but barely.
I'm sure I have more to say on this subject but my break is over so back to the grind.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
SIO and the summer-tease
Alrighty, so last week our weather was surreal. It got up to the 80's in some parts of midcoast Maine. Holy crap, 80 degrees in March??? It was AWESOME but also heartbreaking because it ended and now we're back to cold, cold, cold, windy, possible snow. UGH.
And SIO is my new theory regarding the family bed. Forever my husband was sleeping on the couch. Not just because I asked him to frequently after our son was born, but also because he has a nasty habit of falling asleep with EVERYTHING on and waking up at 4 am, like WAAAHHHH??!!! So lately he has been trying to come to bed with us. AND even if he wears a Breathe Right strip, he snores like a freight train for the first 45 minutes or so. During which I lay there with the ineffectual pillow over my head while my son sleeps like a... um... baby and I can't fall asleep cuz everytime there's a break in the snoring and I start to dose off, he starts up again. I used to kick/punch/poke him to say "Roll over, please!" and get a snoring break. BUT what I realized is that every time I do that he is cycling back up in sleep and therefore has to start the stages all over again. Now I do SIO (Snore-It-Out) which is I let him snore away, don't touch him or try to wake him or get him to roll over. Eventually he stops snoring and I fall asleep, and then we're generally good from there! This is for wives out there who have snoring husbands (and you've tried everything else)... it could work for you too :)
Now if the kid would just STTN we'd have it made in the shade.
And SIO is my new theory regarding the family bed. Forever my husband was sleeping on the couch. Not just because I asked him to frequently after our son was born, but also because he has a nasty habit of falling asleep with EVERYTHING on and waking up at 4 am, like WAAAHHHH??!!! So lately he has been trying to come to bed with us. AND even if he wears a Breathe Right strip, he snores like a freight train for the first 45 minutes or so. During which I lay there with the ineffectual pillow over my head while my son sleeps like a... um... baby and I can't fall asleep cuz everytime there's a break in the snoring and I start to dose off, he starts up again. I used to kick/punch/poke him to say "Roll over, please!" and get a snoring break. BUT what I realized is that every time I do that he is cycling back up in sleep and therefore has to start the stages all over again. Now I do SIO (Snore-It-Out) which is I let him snore away, don't touch him or try to wake him or get him to roll over. Eventually he stops snoring and I fall asleep, and then we're generally good from there! This is for wives out there who have snoring husbands (and you've tried everything else)... it could work for you too :)
Now if the kid would just STTN we'd have it made in the shade.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Can I just say something?
I love my midwife. We had a rocky start (well, she probably didn't notice anything)- in my 1/2 dose of Welbutrin, dealing with PG and herniated disc, 7-months pregnant mind, she wasn't my ideal midwife. BUT she was fantastic during my labor, and looking back everything was the way it should have been. Yes, I had Pitocin upon her recommendation, yes I ended up in the traditional, not good for anybody position during the pushing stage, yes I had morphine midway through because I hadn't slept in 48 hours, but she didn't doubt me, she was stern yet kind. At one point during my labor she told everyone else in the room to "shut up" (not my hubbie, just the other myriad of nurses, docs, pedis, etc. who were all saying "you can do it, you're almost there" etc while my son was crowning) and told me to focus on her voice and only listen to her. Since I had my son I've seen her several times at the doc's office for appts and a few times as she calls it "out in the community." Her husband performed the ceremony at a good friend's wedding. It was such a nice surprise to see her.
Sometimes I think about baby catching and how she caught my baby. I remember her telling me that I did a fantastic job and I should be really proud of myself. She asked me if I was, and I think I said "sorta..." because I was still hung up on how the birth wasn't completely natural, how I gave in to interventions that may not have been necessary, etc. I feel differently now. I KICKED ASS. I still KICK ASS. I am a great mom.
I saw her last week for my annual PAP, etc. (I forgot how much a PAP hurts! it's not a q-tip guys, it's got metal on the end, OWWIE) and instead of being all business like some, she let me vent and chatted with me for a good half hour about sleep and extended breastfeeding. She has an only child, a son, who just turned 23. She validated our experiences, that my son is normal even though he wakes up constantly freaking out, there's nothing wrong with him. That it's ok and wonderful to do attachment parenting (cosleeping, EBF, child-led, etc.) BUT that if we decided to do CIO, our son would have had a great start towards independence and good self-esteem because of the sacrifices we've made (mostly loss of sleep! LOL) so far. She congratulated me and told me that I am a wonderful mother. I started crying because I had no idea how much I needed that validation, especially coming from the person who delivered my son, and who has been there, done that. She gave me a hug at the end of our visit and also gave me her home phone number so we can talk about parenting. She is intuitive, she knew right away that I needed some local, in-person, support around attachment parenting.
Wow 2 posts in one day. Go me!
Sometimes I think about baby catching and how she caught my baby. I remember her telling me that I did a fantastic job and I should be really proud of myself. She asked me if I was, and I think I said "sorta..." because I was still hung up on how the birth wasn't completely natural, how I gave in to interventions that may not have been necessary, etc. I feel differently now. I KICKED ASS. I still KICK ASS. I am a great mom.
I saw her last week for my annual PAP, etc. (I forgot how much a PAP hurts! it's not a q-tip guys, it's got metal on the end, OWWIE) and instead of being all business like some, she let me vent and chatted with me for a good half hour about sleep and extended breastfeeding. She has an only child, a son, who just turned 23. She validated our experiences, that my son is normal even though he wakes up constantly freaking out, there's nothing wrong with him. That it's ok and wonderful to do attachment parenting (cosleeping, EBF, child-led, etc.) BUT that if we decided to do CIO, our son would have had a great start towards independence and good self-esteem because of the sacrifices we've made (mostly loss of sleep! LOL) so far. She congratulated me and told me that I am a wonderful mother. I started crying because I had no idea how much I needed that validation, especially coming from the person who delivered my son, and who has been there, done that. She gave me a hug at the end of our visit and also gave me her home phone number so we can talk about parenting. She is intuitive, she knew right away that I needed some local, in-person, support around attachment parenting.
Wow 2 posts in one day. Go me!
18 month sleep regression be damned!
My son will be 17 months in less than a week. It seems like he might already be in the 18-month sleep regression, though I've never been through it before so I'm not sure. He's been waking up pretty much hourly, crying like he's in pain, freaking out, whining, the whole range. The ONLY thing that will stop the screaming is nursing... nursing nursing nursing for hours until I whisper, "ok honey you need to let mommy go so she can roll over for a few because she can't feel her hand anymore."
Here's what I'm thinking, and I hope I don't jinx myself: because my little boy has pretty much never been an all-night sleeper, has woken up every 1-3 hours like 99.9% of the time since he was born, we are still nursing and cosleeping, it seems like a sleep regression won't be as dramatic for us as it might be for someone whose child is a "better" sleeper. For them (those lucky devils), they will be used to sleeping all night, no/minimal wakeups, etc. and then BAM sleep regression and it all goes to shit. They will be super tired and cranky and wondering what the hell went wrong. We on the other hand will have business as usual, only a little more difficult than usual. After almost 2 years of broken sleep I'm pretty much used to it.
In related news, we have rearranged our apartment so that we now have "the sleeping room" (used to be my son's room but as mentioned before he never sleeps in it) and our former bedroom is now "the playroom" (also contains our clothes/dressers). In the sleeping room, besides our bed which is now on the floor (easier for son to get in and out of) and my son's dresser, there is the infamous crib which is now a toddler bed (what an easy conversion!) He goes over to it and yells "bed!" then gets in it and jumps up and down on the mattress. Then it's off to other things. My theory is that having it there with us each night, it will just sit there all tantalizingly blanketed and soft with warm cuddly stuffed animals... calling to him slowly over time... and someday I'll wake up in the morning after a long full night of sleep and he'll be over there asleep in his own bed. I know, you think I'm a crazy dreamer. Well, dream it you f'in dreamers. It could happen! And it WILL happen when my little boy is ready. And I'm cool wit dat.
Here's what I'm thinking, and I hope I don't jinx myself: because my little boy has pretty much never been an all-night sleeper, has woken up every 1-3 hours like 99.9% of the time since he was born, we are still nursing and cosleeping, it seems like a sleep regression won't be as dramatic for us as it might be for someone whose child is a "better" sleeper. For them (those lucky devils), they will be used to sleeping all night, no/minimal wakeups, etc. and then BAM sleep regression and it all goes to shit. They will be super tired and cranky and wondering what the hell went wrong. We on the other hand will have business as usual, only a little more difficult than usual. After almost 2 years of broken sleep I'm pretty much used to it.
In related news, we have rearranged our apartment so that we now have "the sleeping room" (used to be my son's room but as mentioned before he never sleeps in it) and our former bedroom is now "the playroom" (also contains our clothes/dressers). In the sleeping room, besides our bed which is now on the floor (easier for son to get in and out of) and my son's dresser, there is the infamous crib which is now a toddler bed (what an easy conversion!) He goes over to it and yells "bed!" then gets in it and jumps up and down on the mattress. Then it's off to other things. My theory is that having it there with us each night, it will just sit there all tantalizingly blanketed and soft with warm cuddly stuffed animals... calling to him slowly over time... and someday I'll wake up in the morning after a long full night of sleep and he'll be over there asleep in his own bed. I know, you think I'm a crazy dreamer. Well, dream it you f'in dreamers. It could happen! And it WILL happen when my little boy is ready. And I'm cool wit dat.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Times they are a'changin
It's been a long time since I've posted... that's what happens sometimes at this time of year. We get through the holidays then there's a lull in brain activity :)
I've been considering changing careers. Not that I really have a career at the moment per se, but I'd like to have one someday when I grow up. I'm turning 35 in two months, not quite ready for that. I finally feel like I can emotionally handle using my degree (B.A. in Psychology 1999). I was all set to go to graduate school, get my Psy.D. and work with teenagers, but it turned out I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I am like a feeling sponge, I absorb all the negative energy around me. But I think becoming a parent has made me more resilient (after everything I went through during my pregnancy and postpartum); I feel much stronger now than I have in my entire life. Also the Zoloft has helped me quite a bit.
Things that are pissing me off lately:
1. TAXES
It is complete bullshit that we are not eligible for the Earned Income Credit. I know there have to be cut-offs but Jesus H we are barely getting by, a couple thousand or even just one thousand would make a HUGE difference for us. Oh well, no use banging my head against the wall over something I can't control.
2. THIEVING DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS
I haven't talked about it on here but our downstairs neighbors were breaking into our apartment and stealing shit for awhile (we don't even know how long). It's a long sad story that I won't go into detail about. But basically because we have to wait for a conviction, the bastard has been in and out of jail twice because of this, and is still living right downstairs from us. We have to see him out in the parking lot, etc. I understand due process and whatnot, but it SUCKS nonetheless to live right above people you know for a fact were breaking into your home.
3. NEVER ENOUGH MONEY, UNEMPLOYMENT, ETC.
My husband has a seasonal position so has been collecting partial unemployment this winter. He has also kept his part-time job at a store where he fills in when they have call-outs. He makes so little doing that- what is the point for him to even try to find a full-time position when you can make the same amount of money just collecting unemployment?! We have too many bills and we can't afford them all. And there's nothing I can do about it- can't get rid of any of the bills (unless we pay them off... HAHA very funny).
4. MY BEST FRIEND IS MOVING TO ALASKA FOR 3 YEARS
Her husband is in the Coast Guard and just found out he has to report for duty in Alaska in June. SUCKFEST.
5. MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO CIO AND I DON'T
This one's a toughie. He's supportive of co-sleeping, etc. but sometimes gets sick of hearing me say I'm tired and says well it's your own fault you won't put him in the crib and let him CIO. I just can't do it.
6. THE PRESIDENT OF MY COMPANY NAMED HER SON WITH THE SAME FIRST NAME AS MY SON
This happened at the end of December. When my coworkers told me I thought it was a joke, but they weren't kidding. WTF?!
Oh gosh I was going to make this a positive post but it hasn't turned out that way at all! Sorry :( I'll do better next time, just having a crappy day/week/month.
I've been considering changing careers. Not that I really have a career at the moment per se, but I'd like to have one someday when I grow up. I'm turning 35 in two months, not quite ready for that. I finally feel like I can emotionally handle using my degree (B.A. in Psychology 1999). I was all set to go to graduate school, get my Psy.D. and work with teenagers, but it turned out I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I am like a feeling sponge, I absorb all the negative energy around me. But I think becoming a parent has made me more resilient (after everything I went through during my pregnancy and postpartum); I feel much stronger now than I have in my entire life. Also the Zoloft has helped me quite a bit.
Things that are pissing me off lately:
1. TAXES
It is complete bullshit that we are not eligible for the Earned Income Credit. I know there have to be cut-offs but Jesus H we are barely getting by, a couple thousand or even just one thousand would make a HUGE difference for us. Oh well, no use banging my head against the wall over something I can't control.
2. THIEVING DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS
I haven't talked about it on here but our downstairs neighbors were breaking into our apartment and stealing shit for awhile (we don't even know how long). It's a long sad story that I won't go into detail about. But basically because we have to wait for a conviction, the bastard has been in and out of jail twice because of this, and is still living right downstairs from us. We have to see him out in the parking lot, etc. I understand due process and whatnot, but it SUCKS nonetheless to live right above people you know for a fact were breaking into your home.
3. NEVER ENOUGH MONEY, UNEMPLOYMENT, ETC.
My husband has a seasonal position so has been collecting partial unemployment this winter. He has also kept his part-time job at a store where he fills in when they have call-outs. He makes so little doing that- what is the point for him to even try to find a full-time position when you can make the same amount of money just collecting unemployment?! We have too many bills and we can't afford them all. And there's nothing I can do about it- can't get rid of any of the bills (unless we pay them off... HAHA very funny).
4. MY BEST FRIEND IS MOVING TO ALASKA FOR 3 YEARS
Her husband is in the Coast Guard and just found out he has to report for duty in Alaska in June. SUCKFEST.
5. MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO CIO AND I DON'T
This one's a toughie. He's supportive of co-sleeping, etc. but sometimes gets sick of hearing me say I'm tired and says well it's your own fault you won't put him in the crib and let him CIO. I just can't do it.
6. THE PRESIDENT OF MY COMPANY NAMED HER SON WITH THE SAME FIRST NAME AS MY SON
This happened at the end of December. When my coworkers told me I thought it was a joke, but they weren't kidding. WTF?!
Oh gosh I was going to make this a positive post but it hasn't turned out that way at all! Sorry :( I'll do better next time, just having a crappy day/week/month.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Being grateful/A Christmas Miracle
Ok I wasn't going to write about this because... I'm extremely embarassed and ashamed about it. But I want to share with the world that I'm grateful.
A week ago we went to a friend's house for a holiday party. We left around 9:30 pm to go home. I thought there was going to be some dinner-type food there, but it was chips and cookies- there were some very spicy wings that I tried to eat but could only have a few. I also partook of some wine. I was driving because my hubbie had a couple mixed drinks and was definitely buzzed. I had only had about 1.5 drinks over a 3 hour period... but I hadn't really had dinner. I'm currently nursing so I get super hungry. I also didn't drink enough water.
About 30 seconds from our apartment we got pulled over by a state trooper. More backstory: we have two vehicles that we pay quite a bit on (I have horrible credit), my hubbie has been underemployed (he works seasonally at a restaurant) and we've been waiting forever to get partial unemployment money from the state, basically our debt:income ratio is BAD. Needless to say the truck registration and inspection expired in September and we hadn't yet been able to get it done. Also, I left my wallet at our apartment accidentally. AND the insurance card had expired on the 10th (our insurance is still active, just hadn't printed out the new cards yet). I WAS TERRIFIED. The officer asked my hubbie to get out and talk to him. He asked him if I had been drinking and my hubbie said no (knee-jerk reaction). Basically he told us that he was going to let us go since our apartment was a few feet away, that we shouldn't drive the truck until all was taken care of. But then he asked me to step out of the vehicle. It was surreal. I didn't know what was going to happen. He asked me how much I had drank. I told him. He shown a bright light in my eyes and told me to follow the tip of his finger, back and forth, back and forth. He did it twice. He told me that he was "this close" to arresting me. I almost started to cry but didn't want to seem manipulative. I don't know why I barely passed the test he was giving me- I was soo unbelievably nervous, quite tired, shaking like a leaf, but he said none of those things have an impact on the test. I was seriously scared at this point. He let us go. He asked if my little one is our only child (he was asleep in his carseat, had fallen asleep almost immediately as we headed home). I said yes. He said we needed to make better decisions.
When we got home I cried a lot. I was so ashamed. My husband tried to give me perspective. He said, it could have been SOOO much worse. I could have been arrested. The cop could have given us a huge ticket that we would not be able to pay. Instead we got off with a warning.
Honestly I was not drunk nor did I even feel buzzed, but apparently I was impaired enough that I shouldn't have driven. I didn't think that amount of alcohol would really have an impact. I am 34 years old, I should know better.
As much as it was a horrible experience, it was also an important one. Sometimes we need to be reminded of all we do have, even when things are really really bad financially. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be careful, and not take things for granted.
That Monday we were able to get the car registered and inspected. I printed out new insurance cards. I plan to write a letter to the cop to thank him for giving us the benefit of the doubt. Someone or something out there is looking out for us. I am grateful.
A week ago we went to a friend's house for a holiday party. We left around 9:30 pm to go home. I thought there was going to be some dinner-type food there, but it was chips and cookies- there were some very spicy wings that I tried to eat but could only have a few. I also partook of some wine. I was driving because my hubbie had a couple mixed drinks and was definitely buzzed. I had only had about 1.5 drinks over a 3 hour period... but I hadn't really had dinner. I'm currently nursing so I get super hungry. I also didn't drink enough water.
About 30 seconds from our apartment we got pulled over by a state trooper. More backstory: we have two vehicles that we pay quite a bit on (I have horrible credit), my hubbie has been underemployed (he works seasonally at a restaurant) and we've been waiting forever to get partial unemployment money from the state, basically our debt:income ratio is BAD. Needless to say the truck registration and inspection expired in September and we hadn't yet been able to get it done. Also, I left my wallet at our apartment accidentally. AND the insurance card had expired on the 10th (our insurance is still active, just hadn't printed out the new cards yet). I WAS TERRIFIED. The officer asked my hubbie to get out and talk to him. He asked him if I had been drinking and my hubbie said no (knee-jerk reaction). Basically he told us that he was going to let us go since our apartment was a few feet away, that we shouldn't drive the truck until all was taken care of. But then he asked me to step out of the vehicle. It was surreal. I didn't know what was going to happen. He asked me how much I had drank. I told him. He shown a bright light in my eyes and told me to follow the tip of his finger, back and forth, back and forth. He did it twice. He told me that he was "this close" to arresting me. I almost started to cry but didn't want to seem manipulative. I don't know why I barely passed the test he was giving me- I was soo unbelievably nervous, quite tired, shaking like a leaf, but he said none of those things have an impact on the test. I was seriously scared at this point. He let us go. He asked if my little one is our only child (he was asleep in his carseat, had fallen asleep almost immediately as we headed home). I said yes. He said we needed to make better decisions.
When we got home I cried a lot. I was so ashamed. My husband tried to give me perspective. He said, it could have been SOOO much worse. I could have been arrested. The cop could have given us a huge ticket that we would not be able to pay. Instead we got off with a warning.
Honestly I was not drunk nor did I even feel buzzed, but apparently I was impaired enough that I shouldn't have driven. I didn't think that amount of alcohol would really have an impact. I am 34 years old, I should know better.
As much as it was a horrible experience, it was also an important one. Sometimes we need to be reminded of all we do have, even when things are really really bad financially. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be careful, and not take things for granted.
That Monday we were able to get the car registered and inspected. I printed out new insurance cards. I plan to write a letter to the cop to thank him for giving us the benefit of the doubt. Someone or something out there is looking out for us. I am grateful.
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