Let's start an online support group for moms with children who don't sleep through the night yet, no matter what age they are. Ok? Problem is I have no idea how to do this. I suppose we could do an email group or something, and just email each other. I don't know how to start an online forum. Anyone know how? Anyone want to help me make this happen? Pretty please...
Seriously though. We are in a decent phase right now which is great (you kinda forget how traumatic the sleep regressions were when you're not in one) but I think it would be awesome to have some kind of support in place when things go awry and I feel like I want to jump off a bridge. Ya know? Email me at vacationlandmom@gmail.com if you feel like joining up.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Another rant...
It’s all very clever and all to come up with anti c-section slogans (like “the uneccesarean”) but unfortunately I think it demonizes the women who elect to have them and the doctors that perform them. Why do we care so much about what a woman does with her own body? I know, I know, there’s a baby involved. But why do we seek to control, even as we are “trying to help”? I am with you’all- I agree that c-sections are performed too often and that it can make the birth experience traumatic and full of regrets for the mom. But one of the side effects of anti-c-section-ism is that the mother who had one now has regrets because supposedly she wasn’t supposed to get one! Or all the backlash against epidurals and pain medications during labor. Why do we have to make it out that the woman was weak to have accepted the offer of pain meds, or even worse, if she asked for them!
We MUST learn to respect the laboring woman, both during labor, and for the entire lifetime afterwards! Labor isn’t a one time thing, oh 24 hours and it’s over. Labor is just the climax, then there’s the afterwards, the afterbirth, the PARENTING the child for the rest of its life, the new roles to adjust to, the physical healing. Once you have a baby you are never the same again as you were before you got pregnant. You start to feel like yourself again at some point, but it’s a new you, a new and improved you! I don’t care if you never felt a single contraction, etc. you GAVE BIRTH, regardless of how. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you didn’t. Heck I had a vaginal birth but I still feel regret because I read all these natural childbirth stories, and I think to myself, I was weak, I shouldn’t have asked for pain medication, I shouldn’t have let them “sleep me,” etc. BUT the reality is that everything happened the way it was supposed to. And I did a great job. I had a herniated disc at the time, I was in excrutiating pain 24 hours a day for 3 months before I gave birth. I couldn’t walk around during labor. I couldn’t even sit up or squat. I basically ended up in the traditional position, legs up on a bar, on my back, etc. I literally couldn’t stand up. And I had back labor. And I pushed for 1 minute shy of 3 hours. And I had Pitocin towards the end of the birth. Pretty much all the things I didn’t want to happen, happened. I mean WTF- there are many many of us who have health problems, etc. that prevent us from having “natural childbirth,” from breastfeeding, etc. I’m sick of the judgement. It needs to end because it’s getting us nowhere. All it's doing is alienating us from each other at a time when we need each other the most.
We MUST learn to respect the laboring woman, both during labor, and for the entire lifetime afterwards! Labor isn’t a one time thing, oh 24 hours and it’s over. Labor is just the climax, then there’s the afterwards, the afterbirth, the PARENTING the child for the rest of its life, the new roles to adjust to, the physical healing. Once you have a baby you are never the same again as you were before you got pregnant. You start to feel like yourself again at some point, but it’s a new you, a new and improved you! I don’t care if you never felt a single contraction, etc. you GAVE BIRTH, regardless of how. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you didn’t. Heck I had a vaginal birth but I still feel regret because I read all these natural childbirth stories, and I think to myself, I was weak, I shouldn’t have asked for pain medication, I shouldn’t have let them “sleep me,” etc. BUT the reality is that everything happened the way it was supposed to. And I did a great job. I had a herniated disc at the time, I was in excrutiating pain 24 hours a day for 3 months before I gave birth. I couldn’t walk around during labor. I couldn’t even sit up or squat. I basically ended up in the traditional position, legs up on a bar, on my back, etc. I literally couldn’t stand up. And I had back labor. And I pushed for 1 minute shy of 3 hours. And I had Pitocin towards the end of the birth. Pretty much all the things I didn’t want to happen, happened. I mean WTF- there are many many of us who have health problems, etc. that prevent us from having “natural childbirth,” from breastfeeding, etc. I’m sick of the judgement. It needs to end because it’s getting us nowhere. All it's doing is alienating us from each other at a time when we need each other the most.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Random rant, sorry
A few months ago a friend who has very different political views than me started going off that Obama supports partial birth abortion. "They deliver a baby and then puncture the back of it's skull to kill it!!!! It's horrible!" etc etc. I was completely caught off guard because I felt like I couldn't say that she was wrong. I didn't know what the heck she was talking about. Why would that ever happen? Why would Obama think it's OK? So I did some research on the good ole internet. I typed in "Obama and partial birth abortion" and up came a ton of propagandistic right wing sites. Finally I said screw this and went to NARAL.org. What I read there was that Obama voted against a ban of partial birth abortion for 2 reasons: one is that rarely partial birth abortion is medically necessary, and the second reason is that the language in the bill was murky and could lead to undermining a woman's right to choose. It doesn't mean that Obama thinks partial birth abortion is great or even OK. It's a horrible thing. Rarely it is medically necessary. When I was reading about it, and of course there were horrible pictures and drawings, I felt sick. As a mom to an infant (well, almost-toddler), I can't even *think* about anything happening to a baby cuz my heart skips a beat and I feel nauseous and it's awful.... BUT I believe in a woman's right to choose.
TANGENT ALERT: How many times have I heard of men who don't want to get vasectomies because they don't want anyone messing with their junk. Hello? It's quite noninvasive day surgery. Not like ANY of the procedures/pills/etc. that women have to deal with in order to prevent pregnancy. "OMG, wear a condom? No way. I'd prefer that you get a copper thingie inserted into your uterus for the next 10 years so I can do whatever I want. Oh and by the way you'll probably have heavier periods and more cramping. Or you can get the one that has hormones and have like no period but possibly slip into depression." WTF?
I think it's particularly sad when women listen to right-wing propaganda and spread it around as if it's truth. If only we could stop judging each other. Yes there are women who abuse the use of abortion. There are people who abuse everything, who break the rules, who mess things up for other upstanding citizens. There are WAY MORE women who have abortions because they feel they have to for their own safety and sanity. We can never fully understand the choices another person makes because we can't walk in their shoes.
TANGENT ALERT: How many times have I heard of men who don't want to get vasectomies because they don't want anyone messing with their junk. Hello? It's quite noninvasive day surgery. Not like ANY of the procedures/pills/etc. that women have to deal with in order to prevent pregnancy. "OMG, wear a condom? No way. I'd prefer that you get a copper thingie inserted into your uterus for the next 10 years so I can do whatever I want. Oh and by the way you'll probably have heavier periods and more cramping. Or you can get the one that has hormones and have like no period but possibly slip into depression." WTF?
I think it's particularly sad when women listen to right-wing propaganda and spread it around as if it's truth. If only we could stop judging each other. Yes there are women who abuse the use of abortion. There are people who abuse everything, who break the rules, who mess things up for other upstanding citizens. There are WAY MORE women who have abortions because they feel they have to for their own safety and sanity. We can never fully understand the choices another person makes because we can't walk in their shoes.
Upper-Lower Class
This one has been rolling around in my brain for awhile now. On the internets all I can find is something about white trash... which is not quite what I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of people like me, who on the outside might appear to be middle class but if you looked at my actual income/expenses/debt you would think otherwise. I'm not below poverty level, but hovering above it.
I don't mean to offend anyone but here I go anyways.
I think a lot of the mommy bloggers here on the web are if not wealthy then at least middle class. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think that the perspective of those with limited or low income is not very well represented in this sphere. When I read discussions of many issues that new moms and moms in general have, they are often skewed in the general direction of money is not an object. I guess the presumption here (which can be true, don't get me wrong) is that people who don't have much money/low income are consumed with thinking about meeting their basic needs and don't have the time/energy/resources to think about broader social issues. Like a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs type thingie.
"Baby should sleep in his/her own room, in his/her own bed." Do we see the expectation here? What if you live in a 1-bedroom (like we did until our son was about 6 months old)? What if you can't afford to drop $100 or $200 for a nice, safe crib?
Honestly I don't know how we would have gotten by if we'd had to buy formula. Luckily I was able to breastfeed and fulfill my son's needs that way for quite a while (also he was late with starting to really eat solids). Breastfeeding is free (except for the EXTRA gobs of food you need to eat in order to avoid growly belly at 3am after your child has been nursing every hour since you both went to bed at 9pm and dinner was early at 6pm... but I digress)
There are many who probably judge me thinking, well if you couldn't afford to take care of yourself, then you went ahead and had a kid, whose fault is that? I'm not blaming anyone. I don't think it's right however to say that unless you are middle class and financially "comfortable" that you are not allowed to have children!
I don't necessarily feel comfortable representing any type of class or population of people. But I also feel like my situation does not fit in either lower or middle class. My and my husband's annual gross income might put us into the middle class, but when you subtract out all of our expenses and our debt, and if you take out taxes (which you should when you're analyzing cost of living/applications for assistance, etc. You never see your gross income, you see your net, that is your REAL income, the actual money that you get in your bank account that you can spend) then we're looking not so great. Like "how exactly are these people getting by?" Which we are, but barely.
I'm sure I have more to say on this subject but my break is over so back to the grind.
I don't mean to offend anyone but here I go anyways.
I think a lot of the mommy bloggers here on the web are if not wealthy then at least middle class. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think that the perspective of those with limited or low income is not very well represented in this sphere. When I read discussions of many issues that new moms and moms in general have, they are often skewed in the general direction of money is not an object. I guess the presumption here (which can be true, don't get me wrong) is that people who don't have much money/low income are consumed with thinking about meeting their basic needs and don't have the time/energy/resources to think about broader social issues. Like a Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs type thingie.
"Baby should sleep in his/her own room, in his/her own bed." Do we see the expectation here? What if you live in a 1-bedroom (like we did until our son was about 6 months old)? What if you can't afford to drop $100 or $200 for a nice, safe crib?
Honestly I don't know how we would have gotten by if we'd had to buy formula. Luckily I was able to breastfeed and fulfill my son's needs that way for quite a while (also he was late with starting to really eat solids). Breastfeeding is free (except for the EXTRA gobs of food you need to eat in order to avoid growly belly at 3am after your child has been nursing every hour since you both went to bed at 9pm and dinner was early at 6pm... but I digress)
There are many who probably judge me thinking, well if you couldn't afford to take care of yourself, then you went ahead and had a kid, whose fault is that? I'm not blaming anyone. I don't think it's right however to say that unless you are middle class and financially "comfortable" that you are not allowed to have children!
I don't necessarily feel comfortable representing any type of class or population of people. But I also feel like my situation does not fit in either lower or middle class. My and my husband's annual gross income might put us into the middle class, but when you subtract out all of our expenses and our debt, and if you take out taxes (which you should when you're analyzing cost of living/applications for assistance, etc. You never see your gross income, you see your net, that is your REAL income, the actual money that you get in your bank account that you can spend) then we're looking not so great. Like "how exactly are these people getting by?" Which we are, but barely.
I'm sure I have more to say on this subject but my break is over so back to the grind.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
SIO and the summer-tease
Alrighty, so last week our weather was surreal. It got up to the 80's in some parts of midcoast Maine. Holy crap, 80 degrees in March??? It was AWESOME but also heartbreaking because it ended and now we're back to cold, cold, cold, windy, possible snow. UGH.
And SIO is my new theory regarding the family bed. Forever my husband was sleeping on the couch. Not just because I asked him to frequently after our son was born, but also because he has a nasty habit of falling asleep with EVERYTHING on and waking up at 4 am, like WAAAHHHH??!!! So lately he has been trying to come to bed with us. AND even if he wears a Breathe Right strip, he snores like a freight train for the first 45 minutes or so. During which I lay there with the ineffectual pillow over my head while my son sleeps like a... um... baby and I can't fall asleep cuz everytime there's a break in the snoring and I start to dose off, he starts up again. I used to kick/punch/poke him to say "Roll over, please!" and get a snoring break. BUT what I realized is that every time I do that he is cycling back up in sleep and therefore has to start the stages all over again. Now I do SIO (Snore-It-Out) which is I let him snore away, don't touch him or try to wake him or get him to roll over. Eventually he stops snoring and I fall asleep, and then we're generally good from there! This is for wives out there who have snoring husbands (and you've tried everything else)... it could work for you too :)
Now if the kid would just STTN we'd have it made in the shade.
And SIO is my new theory regarding the family bed. Forever my husband was sleeping on the couch. Not just because I asked him to frequently after our son was born, but also because he has a nasty habit of falling asleep with EVERYTHING on and waking up at 4 am, like WAAAHHHH??!!! So lately he has been trying to come to bed with us. AND even if he wears a Breathe Right strip, he snores like a freight train for the first 45 minutes or so. During which I lay there with the ineffectual pillow over my head while my son sleeps like a... um... baby and I can't fall asleep cuz everytime there's a break in the snoring and I start to dose off, he starts up again. I used to kick/punch/poke him to say "Roll over, please!" and get a snoring break. BUT what I realized is that every time I do that he is cycling back up in sleep and therefore has to start the stages all over again. Now I do SIO (Snore-It-Out) which is I let him snore away, don't touch him or try to wake him or get him to roll over. Eventually he stops snoring and I fall asleep, and then we're generally good from there! This is for wives out there who have snoring husbands (and you've tried everything else)... it could work for you too :)
Now if the kid would just STTN we'd have it made in the shade.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Can I just say something?
I love my midwife. We had a rocky start (well, she probably didn't notice anything)- in my 1/2 dose of Welbutrin, dealing with PG and herniated disc, 7-months pregnant mind, she wasn't my ideal midwife. BUT she was fantastic during my labor, and looking back everything was the way it should have been. Yes, I had Pitocin upon her recommendation, yes I ended up in the traditional, not good for anybody position during the pushing stage, yes I had morphine midway through because I hadn't slept in 48 hours, but she didn't doubt me, she was stern yet kind. At one point during my labor she told everyone else in the room to "shut up" (not my hubbie, just the other myriad of nurses, docs, pedis, etc. who were all saying "you can do it, you're almost there" etc while my son was crowning) and told me to focus on her voice and only listen to her. Since I had my son I've seen her several times at the doc's office for appts and a few times as she calls it "out in the community." Her husband performed the ceremony at a good friend's wedding. It was such a nice surprise to see her.
Sometimes I think about baby catching and how she caught my baby. I remember her telling me that I did a fantastic job and I should be really proud of myself. She asked me if I was, and I think I said "sorta..." because I was still hung up on how the birth wasn't completely natural, how I gave in to interventions that may not have been necessary, etc. I feel differently now. I KICKED ASS. I still KICK ASS. I am a great mom.
I saw her last week for my annual PAP, etc. (I forgot how much a PAP hurts! it's not a q-tip guys, it's got metal on the end, OWWIE) and instead of being all business like some, she let me vent and chatted with me for a good half hour about sleep and extended breastfeeding. She has an only child, a son, who just turned 23. She validated our experiences, that my son is normal even though he wakes up constantly freaking out, there's nothing wrong with him. That it's ok and wonderful to do attachment parenting (cosleeping, EBF, child-led, etc.) BUT that if we decided to do CIO, our son would have had a great start towards independence and good self-esteem because of the sacrifices we've made (mostly loss of sleep! LOL) so far. She congratulated me and told me that I am a wonderful mother. I started crying because I had no idea how much I needed that validation, especially coming from the person who delivered my son, and who has been there, done that. She gave me a hug at the end of our visit and also gave me her home phone number so we can talk about parenting. She is intuitive, she knew right away that I needed some local, in-person, support around attachment parenting.
Wow 2 posts in one day. Go me!
Sometimes I think about baby catching and how she caught my baby. I remember her telling me that I did a fantastic job and I should be really proud of myself. She asked me if I was, and I think I said "sorta..." because I was still hung up on how the birth wasn't completely natural, how I gave in to interventions that may not have been necessary, etc. I feel differently now. I KICKED ASS. I still KICK ASS. I am a great mom.
I saw her last week for my annual PAP, etc. (I forgot how much a PAP hurts! it's not a q-tip guys, it's got metal on the end, OWWIE) and instead of being all business like some, she let me vent and chatted with me for a good half hour about sleep and extended breastfeeding. She has an only child, a son, who just turned 23. She validated our experiences, that my son is normal even though he wakes up constantly freaking out, there's nothing wrong with him. That it's ok and wonderful to do attachment parenting (cosleeping, EBF, child-led, etc.) BUT that if we decided to do CIO, our son would have had a great start towards independence and good self-esteem because of the sacrifices we've made (mostly loss of sleep! LOL) so far. She congratulated me and told me that I am a wonderful mother. I started crying because I had no idea how much I needed that validation, especially coming from the person who delivered my son, and who has been there, done that. She gave me a hug at the end of our visit and also gave me her home phone number so we can talk about parenting. She is intuitive, she knew right away that I needed some local, in-person, support around attachment parenting.
Wow 2 posts in one day. Go me!
18 month sleep regression be damned!
My son will be 17 months in less than a week. It seems like he might already be in the 18-month sleep regression, though I've never been through it before so I'm not sure. He's been waking up pretty much hourly, crying like he's in pain, freaking out, whining, the whole range. The ONLY thing that will stop the screaming is nursing... nursing nursing nursing for hours until I whisper, "ok honey you need to let mommy go so she can roll over for a few because she can't feel her hand anymore."
Here's what I'm thinking, and I hope I don't jinx myself: because my little boy has pretty much never been an all-night sleeper, has woken up every 1-3 hours like 99.9% of the time since he was born, we are still nursing and cosleeping, it seems like a sleep regression won't be as dramatic for us as it might be for someone whose child is a "better" sleeper. For them (those lucky devils), they will be used to sleeping all night, no/minimal wakeups, etc. and then BAM sleep regression and it all goes to shit. They will be super tired and cranky and wondering what the hell went wrong. We on the other hand will have business as usual, only a little more difficult than usual. After almost 2 years of broken sleep I'm pretty much used to it.
In related news, we have rearranged our apartment so that we now have "the sleeping room" (used to be my son's room but as mentioned before he never sleeps in it) and our former bedroom is now "the playroom" (also contains our clothes/dressers). In the sleeping room, besides our bed which is now on the floor (easier for son to get in and out of) and my son's dresser, there is the infamous crib which is now a toddler bed (what an easy conversion!) He goes over to it and yells "bed!" then gets in it and jumps up and down on the mattress. Then it's off to other things. My theory is that having it there with us each night, it will just sit there all tantalizingly blanketed and soft with warm cuddly stuffed animals... calling to him slowly over time... and someday I'll wake up in the morning after a long full night of sleep and he'll be over there asleep in his own bed. I know, you think I'm a crazy dreamer. Well, dream it you f'in dreamers. It could happen! And it WILL happen when my little boy is ready. And I'm cool wit dat.
Here's what I'm thinking, and I hope I don't jinx myself: because my little boy has pretty much never been an all-night sleeper, has woken up every 1-3 hours like 99.9% of the time since he was born, we are still nursing and cosleeping, it seems like a sleep regression won't be as dramatic for us as it might be for someone whose child is a "better" sleeper. For them (those lucky devils), they will be used to sleeping all night, no/minimal wakeups, etc. and then BAM sleep regression and it all goes to shit. They will be super tired and cranky and wondering what the hell went wrong. We on the other hand will have business as usual, only a little more difficult than usual. After almost 2 years of broken sleep I'm pretty much used to it.
In related news, we have rearranged our apartment so that we now have "the sleeping room" (used to be my son's room but as mentioned before he never sleeps in it) and our former bedroom is now "the playroom" (also contains our clothes/dressers). In the sleeping room, besides our bed which is now on the floor (easier for son to get in and out of) and my son's dresser, there is the infamous crib which is now a toddler bed (what an easy conversion!) He goes over to it and yells "bed!" then gets in it and jumps up and down on the mattress. Then it's off to other things. My theory is that having it there with us each night, it will just sit there all tantalizingly blanketed and soft with warm cuddly stuffed animals... calling to him slowly over time... and someday I'll wake up in the morning after a long full night of sleep and he'll be over there asleep in his own bed. I know, you think I'm a crazy dreamer. Well, dream it you f'in dreamers. It could happen! And it WILL happen when my little boy is ready. And I'm cool wit dat.
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