P.S. Happy Holidays!

Being grateful/A Christmas Miracle

Ok I wasn't going to write about this because... I'm extremely embarassed and ashamed about it. But I want to share with the world that I'm grateful.

A week ago we went to a friend's house for a holiday party. We left around 9:30 pm to go home. I thought there was going to be some dinner-type food there, but it was chips and cookies- there were some very spicy wings that I tried to eat but could only have a few. I also partook of some wine. I was driving because my hubbie had a couple mixed drinks and was definitely buzzed. I had only had about 1.5 drinks over a 3 hour period... but I hadn't really had dinner. I'm currently nursing so I get super hungry. I also didn't drink enough water.

About 30 seconds from our apartment we got pulled over by a state trooper. More backstory: we have two vehicles that we pay quite a bit on (I have horrible credit), my hubbie has been underemployed (he works seasonally at a restaurant) and we've been waiting forever to get partial unemployment money from the state, basically our debt:income ratio is BAD. Needless to say the truck registration and inspection expired in September and we hadn't yet been able to get it done. Also, I left my wallet at our apartment accidentally. AND the insurance card had expired on the 10th (our insurance is still active, just hadn't printed out the new cards yet). I WAS TERRIFIED. The officer asked my hubbie to get out and talk to him. He asked him if I had been drinking and my hubbie said no (knee-jerk reaction). Basically he told us that he was going to let us go since our apartment was a few feet away, that we shouldn't drive the truck until all was taken care of. But then he asked me to step out of the vehicle. It was surreal. I didn't know what was going to happen. He asked me how much I had drank. I told him. He shown a bright light in my eyes and told me to follow the tip of his finger, back and forth, back and forth. He did it twice. He told me that he was "this close" to arresting me. I almost started to cry but didn't want to seem manipulative. I don't know why I barely passed the test he was giving me- I was soo unbelievably nervous, quite tired, shaking like a leaf, but he said none of those things have an impact on the test. I was seriously scared at this point. He let us go. He asked if my little one is our only child (he was asleep in his carseat, had fallen asleep almost immediately as we headed home). I said yes. He said we needed to make better decisions.

When we got home I cried a lot. I was so ashamed. My husband tried to give me perspective. He said, it could have been SOOO much worse. I could have been arrested. The cop could have given us a huge ticket that we would not be able to pay. Instead we got off with a warning.

Honestly I was not drunk nor did I even feel buzzed, but apparently I was impaired enough that I shouldn't have driven. I didn't think that amount of alcohol would really have an impact. I am 34 years old, I should know better.

As much as it was a horrible experience, it was also an important one. Sometimes we need to be reminded of all we do have, even when things are really really bad financially. Sometimes we need to be reminded to be careful, and not take things for granted.

That Monday we were able to get the car registered and inspected. I printed out new insurance cards. I plan to write a letter to the cop to thank him for giving us the benefit of the doubt. Someone or something out there is looking out for us. I am grateful.

20 Albums that Have Influenced My Life

Meme instructions: Think of the albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. Not your favorite albums now: the ones that sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. Albums you wore into the ground.

10,000 Maniacs  Our Time in Eden
Summer after my grueling junior year of college

Alanis Morrisette  Jagged Little Pill
Christmas gift, listened to on my walkman over and over during long holiday car rides

Annie Lennox  Diva
Reminds me of my dad; fantastic album

Bjork  Vespertine
Romantical, deep, intense, *love Bjork*

Coldplay  A Rush of Blood to the Head
Waiting tables at TGI Fridays

Counting Crows  August and Everything After
The Cranberries  Everybody Else is Doing It...
Late high school angst

The Cure  Disintegration
Great album to set the mood, if you know what I mean

Dave Matthews Band  Under the Table and Dreaming
College days....

Death Cab for Cutie  Transatlanticism
Recent discovery (thanks to my awesome cuz AJ)

Enya  Shepherd Moons
Late high school, I have listened to this album thousands of times, when I feel anxious, sad, etc. I find it incredibly soothing.

Indigo Girls  Rites of Passage
Sophomore year of college; I discovered feminism!

Keane  Hopes and Fears
Keane is AMAZING

Liz Phair  Liz Phair
Co-worker burned this for me, love it

NKOTB  Step by Step
This goes out to you Dickey Bean!

Sarah McLachlan  Fumbling Towards Ecstasy & Surfacing
High school unrequited romances & college heartbreaks

Tori Amos  Under the Pink & From the Choirgirl Hotel
Lonely days post-college; Tori totally gets me

U2  Achtung Baby
Favorite album from my favorite band of all time

I'm still a feminist

I became a feminist in college, officially. Before that I think I was always a crusader for the underdog, be it the environment, the war, or unfair discrimination (anyone remember when high schools were banning the "Co-Ed Naked" t-shirt series???). I remember discovering this whole wonderful world of feminist thinking, of acceptance and open-ness, of human rights and freedom. It was a fantastic and exciting honeymoon period. Then came the doubts, the judgment, the pressure to conform, even within a radical feminist framework. I've come to believe that regardless of what label you put on an -ism, it is inherently exclusive, simply by nature. Human nature. I felt like in order to consider myself a radical feminist, I had to date only radical feminists, which was difficult since I'm hetero and there was only 1 male member in the Women's Center and I just wasn't attracted to him. I felt like I had to wear certain clothes, have a certain job, buy certain things. In times like this, though I agree that we should protest things like unfair wages, environmental destruction, etc., it requires MONEY to be able to stop buying things at a place like Walmart. I buy things at Walmart. We aren't below the poverty line but we are hovering just above it. We have 2 car payments; I have outrageous student loans from my illustrious college days; rent, electric, phone, internet, car insurance, gas, FOOD, diapers, the list goes on and on.

I'm still a feminist

I am in a somewhat traditional marriage, where I do a lot of the housework and because I'm nursing, I tend to be the go-to-gal for our son. I work outside the home in an office.

I'm still a feminist

I associate with people who have traditional and right-wing opinions. Some of my relatives are pro-life and anti-gay rights. Some of the people I know have no idea how left-leaning I really am.

I'm still a feminist

I have become more middle of the road regarding many things, in that we can never know why someone does what they do because we can never walk in their shoes. It is very destructive to pass judgment regarding situations and events that we have never experienced or been involved in. I am a firm believer in equality for all, as much as possible. I believe in the rights of all to marry. I believe in equal health rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation, wealth, etc.

I'm still a feminist

I don't go to protests. I don't donate to organizations. I don't watch the news. In all honesty, I try to avoid controversial subjects, things that make me sad, etc. because I feel it all so intensely and also feel helpless.

I'm still a feminist

I am tired of people being divisive, judging each other, and giving unsolicited advice. Since I've become a parent, I've heard all range of advice about how to raise our child. We co-sleep and have since my son was 2 weeks old. My husband sleeps on the couch. It sucks but it's the only way we get sleep. I'm still nursing my son and he's just over a year old. Most of the people I know have raised their children in a traditional way, sleep training, weaning at 6 months if they breast-fed at all, and so on. I'm not passing judgment about it, just wish that I knew more people who did/are doing what we're doing.

I'm still a feminist

Just want to make that clear.

My son turns 1 today!

On an entirely separate note, my son is 1 today (at 1:29 PM). YAY! Here's a great picture of him truly enjoying his ice cream cake:

Now that's the way to do it kiddo! Love you forever little boy. Forever and always.

Comic relief

I just have to laugh at life because sometimes it sucks. We're broke, no matter what we do. So I have to laugh, and can't stop laughing at this:

Ugh. Anyone have any money they can spare? Ha ha ha.

My mother, myself

I know this is already the title of a fantastic book by Nancy Friday, but I feel it is an appropriate title for this post. My BFF mentioned to me the other day that I should create a blog about what it's like to be a new mother, and to have a mentally ill mother. I don't like to describe her that way on paper because it sounds... something not nice. It also makes it seem simple. Oh, she's mentally ill. That explains everything. It is SOOO much more complex than that. My mother has bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. Like many who suffer from bipolar disorder (or manic depression), she is literally unable to take responsibility for pretty much anything. One of her major symptoms is egocentricism- in clinical terms: "the incomplete differentiation of the self and the world, including other people, the tendency to perceive, understand and interpret the world in terms of the self, and being over preoccupied with ones own internal world." What this translates into is that she is never to blame for anything and there is nothing wrong with the things she says and does, ever. What this meant for me as a child is still hard to write about. I was the mother for the most part. I was the one who had to soothe her, listen to her myriad of adult complaints and feel responsible for them, etc. I couldn't trust her and feel safe with her, because she mistrusted the world, and the world was therefore a dangerous and bad place. This behavior has alienated my mother from countless friends and relationships. They have grown tired of the constant complaining, the raging mood swings, the guilt trips, and so on.

Nothing is ever good enough for my mother. She always wants more. Give her an inch, she wants a million miles. I recently told her that I was given a small dose of morphine while I was in labor. She nearly lost it. Now she will be spinning it around in her head forever, and anytime my son is crying or upset or anxious, it will be because I had that morphine. She used to say that the reason I cried over the cat throwing up was because my father was an alcoholic (which he wasn't and never has been). This is her train of thought:

"K sees father throwing up from drinking too much. It upsets her.
K sees cat throwing up and is reminded of this traumatic event.
Therefore, father is an alcoholic."

As much as I have always tried to differentiate myself from her, to "not turn into my mother," she is often trying to make us more similar. Her father was an alcoholic, so mine must be too. I have allergies, now she does too.

Now she tries to tell me how to parent my son. She thinks he has anxiety. She thinks there's something wrong with him when she hears him crying. I have to tell her over and over, babies cry. It's normal. He's perfectly normal. Don't put your neurotic bullshit on him. She is hellbent on babysitting him (she lives 2 hours away from us) and I don't think I want her to. I don't want my little monkey to ever feel what I felt as a child. Unsafe. Adults are supposed to be reliable, consistent, loving, and meet your needs (when you're a kid). I know this is an illusion, but part of it is absolutely necessary for a child to develop a strong sense of self esteem, and to feel comfortable and confident in the world.

It is so hard not to hate her sometimes. But I don't want my son to ever feel this way towards me. Ugh.