Friday, July 22, 2011

Better late than never

It's finally time to become a "Mommy Blogger" though I'm not sure yet how I feel about the title. It seems like something cool and trendy, so I want it, yet I don't want it. As a (relatively) new mom of a 9 month old, I've spent a lot of time pouring over other people's (mostly mothers') blogs online. During my pregnancy I was addicted to babycenter, but I don't log in there as much anymore because I don't need the drama! As a FTM I'm always wondering if I'm doing the right things. My husband isn't overly fond of me going online and reading all kinds of advice and other people's experiences, because it generally makes me feel guilty about the way we're doing things. And it only adds to the confusion in my head.

My kid will sleep, but only under certain conditions, and definitely only when he wants to. We've tried to *make* him go to sleep and it infuriates him. Then we have to spend all kinds of time getting him calmed down again. He has only slept more than 5 hours at a stretch a total of 3 times in his entire life. I can remember them so clearly. I woke up still every 1-2 hours expecting him to be awake and he wasn't. I got all engorged and worried and didn't sleep well. Subsequently I haven't slept for more than 3 hours at a time in the last year. When I was pregnant last summer I was up every 2 hours or so to pee.

Needless to say, I think I have adjusted to this sleepless madness- well I can't exactly call it sleepless now can I? I have slept. Just no deep, restful, complete abandon, blissful, delirious sleep. In over a year. That's why I like to read all the posts of people who went through the same thing, came out the other end, and now have a child that sleeps through the night, every night, and they get to also. BUT I wonder if all this time has made it impossible for me to go back to the way I used to sleep... which was 10-12 hours at a time if I could. I loved to sleep. Now I hate to think about it because it makes me sad and desperate.

I'm hoping that this blog will be an outlet for me... to express rage at injustice, awe at the power of goodness, and relentless joy because of the multitude of blessings in my life.

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