I'm not sure how to write this post but it feels like I need to. Our little family has been dealing with a serious financial crisis for awhile now, and it has come to a head. We are being evicted from our apartment because we have been unable to pay rent for several months. I have never actually faced an eviction before, and it is quite scary and humbling. We are not bad people, but we have made some bad decisions. My MIL has graciously offered to let us move into her house. It's not going to be an easy transition by any means; there's some work to be done to the space before we can move in to make it liveable. My SIL, her boyfriend, and their daughter all live there as well (in addition to two cats and a dog). It's going to be crowded and stressful, but also it will be an opportunity for growth and for strengthening our marriage and our relationships with his family. There have been many events over the past year that have changed the landscape of our lives forever. I won't go into them here because I respect the privacy of those involved. My husband has been dealing with some very painful events in his immediate family, and I've been doing my best to support him and them. It has been a rough journey, but here I am at another day. Our son is healthy and growing fast, practicing with phrases (Mommy. Drivin. Truck.) He is a daily source of joy for all of us; he keeps us going when we feel that we don't want to/can't go on anymore.
My husband and I have started counseling with a wonderful therapist. We have been blessed with finding this person quickly, liking her immediately, and setting right to the task with relative ease. We both feel comfortable with her enough to start the conversations that need to happen, the really really hard ones that we've been avoiding for most, if not all, of our marriage. Our 4th wedding anniversary is next month. I can't believe it's been 4 years already.
And I am slowly but surely working on my shortcomings. I have a tendency to try to control everything in my home, including my husband, which is wrong in so many ways and has led to us being where we are today. BUT the positive of this is that our marriage will be that much stronger when (notice I said when instead of if) we get through this. My goal is to feel good about myself again, to feel like an effective and generally good person. I am tired of the constant feeling of dread and fear that sits in my stomach.
Our therapist said to us at our recent session that love is stronger than what we're facing. Our love is stronger. It will guide us through (not that it doesn't require effort on our part) but that we are starting from a foundation of love. It was wonderful and affirming to hear her say that she can clearly see how much we love each other. Having someone see that from the outside after only spending 3 short hours with us over the course of a month has been heartening. I cannot and will not live in fear anymore. Yes it will take time, but I have to try.